How does a man reconcile seeing so much emptiness, death, and destruction in one lifetime and still be able to push on past his mostly self-imposed isolation and unavailability to the world to somehow become important to one woman…one woman who was once a young girl…a young girl who knew of this man when he was anything but a man, a seventeen-year-old boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
She knew this restless soul in training and even though she were nothing more than a young empty vessel in league with another empty vessel in search of something better than the life currently thrust upon them. Even though they themselves had been used, abused, and cast aside they together reveled in seeking refuge within the world they silently cursed because whatever they were doing together it was far better than anything available at home or elsewhere in the world!
Almost as quickly as they had come together they were vasty now apart, each in a singular quest onward…
In the painful rebellion of life, I ended up seeking my fortune at the bottom of wine bottles, in the spoon or by chasing the dragon…I like to think of it as using external forces to quell internal anguish, but cool PC minded people call it self medicating! It is hardly medication you take to block out the idea that as long as I don’t have to think It’ll be ok..well…maybe if I was a lowlife politician I might be able to garner some succulent verbal clean up on why I felt abandoned, used, and worthless as a child and then as a youth who subsequently used crime, drugs, and succession from the mainstream world as therapy and as an escape mechanism.
While I was self-exercising my internal demons and Federal Right to be as wrong as I dare, this beautiful woman whom I hadn’t seen since I was twenty-three years old had somehow begun searching for me…She was actually looking for me! Ironically, years ago she had discovered me through this very blog and had left me a very detailed message, starting with a short question about my hurtful ways toward her, then as she brushed on her possible true feelings for me – which I hadn’t even realized until after my multiple near death experiences in the early part of 2016 – and then she made a heartfelt apology for how she may have made me feel and left it at that!
In the beginning, I clearly remember that I thought this was a very clever social hack/spoof using some info from my past, yet the details were far too detailed to be anything other than a sincere attempt at reaching out.
Looking back I couldn’t begin to appreciate the honest sediment and tenacity it takes to actually look for someone online that you haven’t seen or spoken to in many years simply because you feel driven to set right a serious wrong you had committed; how harsh is the reality that for every beautiful act like the one she and I are currently unfolding there are untold numbers that end far worse than any event that could initially cause a man & woman to shun one another for life. It must be a fate worse than death having your initial advances partially accepted then shunned without warning or hesitation rather than to have your first such attempt be firmly rejected!
I talk with sad authority on these subjects, only because I’ve lived them as both perpetrator and victim. Digging into one’s demons can be refreshing if you know what you’re looking for, sadly while on a lark in Southern California in mid-July of 2018 I began sniffing around one of my more endearing demon’s old stomping grounds…well in the general local where she & I once shared housing together…she knows who she is…
At any rate, while in transit to a fellow traveler’s house I made a slight detour driving by this Puffy Taco shack, which incidentally brings to mind the endearing She-Demon once again for multiple reasons…
I honestly do not know how long it was after my near-death experience that I reconned I should attempt at righting some of my own terrible wrongs, yet I believe it was after cruising past the war-torn front lawn of HER house that I decided NOW was the right time to reach out to Her…even though it had been over a decade since we had last spoken and her last four-letter words to me were nothing of love, yet knowing that vital bit of information I reached out in spite of better judgment, and she out of character made an odd but initially dead-pan reply to my impromptu message but gave it an extra emotional kick to my manhood by granting me permission to take another course of action…and then to mostly no fault of my own she abruptly cut off “ALL” communication giving me her last warning, and so I remember feeling defeated, once again empty, and lost…well…well…well until it slowly began to sink in that I was now trapped in a horrible deja vu moment and I was forced to re-examine my conduct now as the pain and sadness was a testiment to my current grief, but it was now becoming clear that I now knew how my tender friend must have felt when I so rudly shunned this gentle woman (the one who sought me) for nothing more than a genuine attempt to reconnect with somone whom she still somehow cared for.
It now occurred to me that the very act I was presently engaged in had occurred roughly a year preceding my present torment and as bad I had once felt being thrice rejected by a salacious woman with lowbrow needs now had me in mortal pause re-examining my entire timeline with her only to discover we were nothing more than beneficial play things each with a hidden expiration date!
It is freedom from emotional bondage, or tears of sadness, shame and regret that I now feel…how could it be…The ironic element is the more I began to understand about my long lost She-Demon the less I wanted her or the idea of the life she represented…yet part of me wants to cling to the Punk Rock motel room model she once was, rather than just another pretty face in my crowded past!
So here this sad sack of numbness sits…and I suppose it had to be one more trip to the E.R. for the true resolve I now possess to take hold. Everyone has a breaking point and I’ve always considered my breaking points merely another opportunity to exert further control over the current object of my obsession, yet this time I felt a wash of bittersweet relief that I wasn’t just a malignant soul with unjustifiable desires…I was just this solitary figure, a shape if you will of a man…yet missing the one ingredient that would make him feel like a real man…ah but while I believed I required only one source for my contentment and happiness, this would slowly prove to be not only wrong but painfully obvious as I was once again forced to swallow some bitter chunks of truth about myself.
So where does a man who now knows the truth go? I’m not sure how to honestly answer that question only to say that as long as I can keep this beautiful woman who somehow found me as happy as she has made me I’m sure whatever is to happen will do so!