I’m Retarded When Around Beautiful Women

social-issues-playing_hard_to_get-playing_hard_to_get-beg-begger-beggar-mban2023_low-300x350I suppose everyone has their dating horror stories, yet I don’t know if these are horror stories, hysterical group drinking recitations, or a few seemingly, yet plausible anecdotes lies admixed the following events that occurred in my life.

It seems that every encounter I have with women is plagued with that thing that keeps me single…She starts acting as if she’s instantly crazy or becomes freaking needy, or any of the typical assortment of quirks, problems, and deal breakers that seem to taint every woman I’ve met in the last twenty years…I believe 1993 was the last time I was actually in a “real” relationship, only that wasn’t too real either as she was cheating on me with a woman while I cheated on her with my bartender!

I wish there was an official “playbook” for dating, or merely re-connecting with women you’ve known for years. It seems that it is either my piss poor Karma, or I’m just destined to be forever searching for that elusive thing called love…Shit, who am I kidding?…I’m having a hard time maintaining intense like, let alone even getting to a spot where love even hangs out on the weekend!

So, once again I got myself into another impossible situation…I use the word impossible because as long as I entertain such ideas as looking at life as if there was more to see or be other than the particular life I seem to be stuck in, I will always feel like I’ve simply missed the boat. I wasn’t looking for her, yet she shows up and right as we start to really connect, my karma, or whatever it is that rains failure upon me and everything that my emotional light bulb illuminates and once again like emotional drain cleaner the driving element that kills everything good in my dating life she is instantly gone almost as quickly as she arrived

It was 2016 and out of nowhere, I get this very sweet email via my blog site. It was an email from this long-lost girl from my youth…while we didn’t have a storybook romance, we were close in a two lonely adolescent street kids alone in the world sort of way…yet now we are grown adults each with a story to tell, and clearly, each with no one worth recounting our individual stories too. Roughly at the same time, I had just experienced my third or forth horrendous near-death event…yet this one woke me up to seek a new way of living which also scared me to the point that I actually blew off the potential romantic advances of this attractive woman who had found me 30 some years later.

At any rate, it wasn’t long until I regretted my choice in shunning this woman from my past…I can’t make up my mind to say whether it was because of Joan creeping back into my head and sadly once again for what feels like the hundredth time telling me to “Fuck Off!” after reaching out to her, or was the pressure of realizing I was quickly on my way to becoming that creepy old man every small town has and now in a regretful state I resolve to just reach out to as many of those I had wronged in my past as possible, mostly in an effort to absolve my guilt and possibly reducing my shitty karma at the same time.

So I crafted an honest email to that woman from my youth…lol, I was twenty-three the last time I saw her smiling face, and while I recounted how poorly I treated her then coupled with how I abruptly again in 2016 shunned her advances as if I was somehow cool or better than her…when, in reality, I was scared shitless that my physically failing health was going to claim victory before I would know the love of a woman so I thought I was doing her a favor…lol I suppose even lovelorn insanity is cute once in a while. My email was to the point with a short explanation of my poor health and irrational fear & inexperience with matters of the heart, followed with a sincere apology.

I was so surprised when she positively replied to my email and over the course of a few months, we had developed a comfortable conversation which later led to talking openly about life, love, and the possibilities…and right when it was moving into a serious light is when whatever it is in my life that shits on everything beyond the basic needs of life & dropped a giant “stop the show” turd on me!!!

I love when you get one of those “it isn’t you, it’s me” letters..well at least this wasn’t anything other than some flirting with a bit of talk about life…who knows maybe this will absolve me of some of my less human moments in my treatment of women and clear up at least one horrible thing I’ve done while in a relationship!?!?!

From the scumbag part of my brain came the notion that maybe she was just blowing me off firmly before I once again do like I always do in every relationship I’ve ever been in: Take her for granted, begin using her, and then ultimately blow her off? I guess anything is possible and because I am guilty of such treachery to women I should be thankful that I got off easy!

I wish thinking about Joan was as whimsical, sadly I believe because she & I shared a number of honest moments together somehow makes recounting how I eventually treated her sound and feel as horrible as it did when I initial hurt her.

I believe in was 1996. In case you were unaware, I had a previous flair for blackout drinking, heavy drug usage, and a general piss poor attitude about most things, people and ideas, except for her. Every guy has a “her”. Sadly while I held this woman in such esteem, she clearly did not feel the same.

Before I get to the juicy part let me lay out the back story. I had met Joan in a popular drinking establishment during a business engagement I was involved in, and after some light chatting, she agreed to a beneficial business proposal that would over time evolve into something else. I can’t to this day define what our actual relationship was, wasn’t or could have been. All I can truthfully say is that we were never physical.

Up to this time, my entire dating life was comprised of me mostly using women for my own selfish needs and when I felt I no longer needed them or when the limited communication we shared faded I simply cast them aside. They all were objects for my use. I won’t go into my personal development while growing up, but suffice it to say I do have some trust issues that have shaped my outlook on the opposite sex.

I couldn’t understand why from the moment I had met this woman I had such intense feelings about her and that isn’t how I operate. I’m loud, over the top…That gregarious P. T. Barnum sideshow barker in a mid-twenties Southern California nightclub. Yeah, that’s me, yet whenever I was with her I became quiet, serious, and mostly less of the obnoxious person I was at any other time in my life.

Being with her was both enticing and confusing, causing me to transfix all of my energy thinking about her as if we were in a relationship together when in fact the only relationship we had comprised of her hanging out & drinking with me at one of the local establishments where I held a “Flavor of the day” status. In reality, I was slowly building the foundation for what would, later on, become the catalyst for my emotion suicide.

Nonetheless, I truly felt something real was happening whenever we were together. I began spending a lot of time considering how I now felt about her, and rightly so I believe she had some initial feelings about me as well since shortly after exchanging phone numbers she and I began this slow unchoreographed dance around one another.

I can’t recall what the exact timeline was, or anything vaguely important other than it was the weekend and we had been out drinking at one of the local bars, or nightclubs, however, I suspect it was one of the clubs where I enjoyed a sloppy VIP status that included free drink tickets -nothing says classy establishment or date like “Drink Tickets”- .

Somehow we were now in my living room and for the life of me I do not remember how this exchange or rather brash unforeseen request was presented, but at one moment I fully believe we were getting comfortable with her sitting on my black leather couch while I was somewhere in front of her. The words just seemed to jump out of her mouth as a well-practiced statement, or slightly drunken plea…

“I want you to help me find a boyfriend!” She said.

At that moment while holding my composure I made an almost instantaneous recovery and brought forth a firm counter answer followed by her resounding final rebuttal, now in an effort to maintain as much dignity as I could afford I used a common “marketing takeaway” proclamation of my own all with a very straight unflinching face in an effort to appear as if I really didn’t give a damn what she had just asked me.

“I know the perfect guy!” I exclaimed!
Quickly she almost blurted…”Oh, not you!”

A vacuum of time and space bloomed up like an evil mushroom cloud while in a nonchalant way, I said, “Never fall in love with a man like me!”

I do not remember what transpired between us after that or the length of time that had elapsed between her final rejection and my futile attempt at maintaining my masculinity, or how long the rest of the evening ended or how long the physical nightmare lasted. I believe she slept on my couch and I clearly drank myself fully out!

I was the smallest man in the world in a span of only a few words…”I want you to help me find a boyfriend” I suppose If I could have crawled under my sofa I would have; sadly this was just one of those horrible dating incidents no one can prepare you for. “If she asks you to help her find a boyfriend Son, steal her purse and run like hell. That’s what your dear old dad would do!”

In retrospect, I clearly did not have a clue as to Joan’s true intentions because as quickly as she seeming interested in me, it was only a matter of weeks after her “boyfriend” request as I recall that she was openly sleeping with my roommate.

Sadly, you would think a super brain like myself would have instantly chaulked that experience up to “she isn’t for you” and moved on, but oh hell no son, no such thing!!!! I would trip the light fantastic off & on with Joan until 2006, and then again until she threatened me with a restraining order! LOL, you only have to threaten me with police/legal action ONCE and I INSTANTLY HEAR YOU!

I guess being S.O.S. is better than nothing!!!!

 

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